It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
