why didn't you poke me back
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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