Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
