im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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