I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
