just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
A+ Viking dick
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
