How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
