i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
