nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
