she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
