I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
