Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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