i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
