Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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