i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
