I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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