I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
