I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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