The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
