We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
