I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
