So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
