u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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