i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
