I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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