Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
farters have to be the big spoon...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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