It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
