one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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