My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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