Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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