I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
