ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
