I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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