I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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