If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
