i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
