On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
