At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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