Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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