I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
