my vag is so smooth its legendary
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
