At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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