I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
