So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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