Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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