Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
