last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
