sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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