census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
