So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
