You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
