mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
