Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
