so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
why is half of my head shaved?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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