plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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