Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
