i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize