Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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